A fella walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up to the bar with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50.

A Scotsman walks up to the bar with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down beside the octopus. The octopus fumbles with it for a while and sits it down with a confused look on his face.

"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Ye canna’ play it, can ye?"

The octopus looks up at the Scotsman and says, "Play it? I’m going to mount it as soon as I can figure how to get its pyjamas off."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?", she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. "I'm just the manager." "Can you get him for me ? I need to speak to him" she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager — clearly aroused, " he's in the back doing the books right now. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck on them gently. "Tell him" she says — "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

After getting the OK to cater for the wedding on 17th January 1996, I went to the bride's house to discuss the big day on 19th November 1997. We agreed to look after the food, crockery, cutlery, cake, etc. On leaving the house I said my goodbyes to Marg/Bob (bride & groom to be) and told the bride to ring me after Christmas if she had any problems . . .

December 26, 9am. The conversation went like this:

"Hi, Its Marg here."

"Hi. Is everything OK?"

"Sure, great . . . except . . . have you made the cake yet?"

"No, not yet"

"Great—can you change the name to 'Frank'?"

Barry Walsh
Haybarn the Caterers
BOX HILL, VICTORIA

The Spider Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a spider monkey on his shoulder, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, but I do not allow animals in the bar."

"He is a very well trained monkey. He will be no problem I assure you." the man says.

The bartender agrees to allow the man to stay. After a few beers the monkey all of a sudden jumps off the mans shoulder, runs across the bar and jumps on the pool table. The monkey then grabs the white ball and swallows it.

"I am so sorry, I have never seen him do anything like that before. Here's $20, will that cover the price of the white ball?" the man says appaled. " I suppose so, but you're going to have to leave" says the bartender. The man takes his monkey and leaves.

About a month later the man returns to the bar with the same spider monkey. Before he even sits down the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I remember what happened the last time you came in with that monkey there is no way I am going to allow you back in here with him."

After several minutes of convincing, the bartender finally agrees to give the monkey one more chance.

After about an hour or so the monkey jumps off the man's shoulder and runs down to the peanut bowl. He then proceeds to stick peanuts in his backside and then eat them. This goes on for several minutes and finally the bartender goes over to the man and says, "Why is he putting the peanuts in his rear before he eats them, it's disgusting."

The man says, "Don't worry. Ever since he passed that white ball, he's been checking everything for size."

Ask the Waiter

"Next the waiter brings you the menu . . . It would be social suicide to ask him what he suggests (a) because that is what everyone else does and (b) because the chef has told the waiter to push the navarin of lamb, and there must be some good reason for that request which will not have a lot to do with it being absolutely delicious.

"Put yourself in the waiter's position. Someone he has never seen before comes in and says, what do you recommend? Well, you recommend whatever is going off, so that you, the waiter, don't have to eat it for dinner. Or you recommend the most expensive thing on the menu because 15% of smoked salmon is worth more than 15% of tomato soup. If the customer asks whether the fish is fresh, does he really think you are going to say 'No, it last saw the sea a fortnight ago'? Everything is equally delicious as far as the waiter is concerned; to tell you so is his job. If you really want him to tell you what to eat, try 'What do you suggest I eat that will put me in the mood to give you a huge tip when I have finished dinner?'

"...Don't be ashamed to look at other people's plates as they are carried past you. I quite often ask other customers if they like what they are eating. At worst they can say nothing, but usually they'll tell me — especially if it isn't very good. Be careful which people you ask. Well brought-up Englishmen will say it's all right when it's foul and very nice when it's OK. Take the advice of foreigners or badly brought-up diners."

(Clement Freud, in No-one Else Has Complained)

A recent Arabian guest staying at the Sheraton Hotel and Towers in Dubai called the management to complain that she could not get her food to heat up in the "microwave".

A hotel employee hurried to the room to find that the woman had placed a whole chicken, surrounded by several kebabs, into the room’s safety deposit box, and was frantically pressing numbers on the keyboard in an effort to cook her chook. "We handled the incident with great diplomacy," said a Sheraton spokeswoman.

News from the nutrition front.

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like.........It's speaking English that kills you.

Warning to Male Beer Drinkers

A recent study in the States has shown the presence of natural oestrogen in beer. The study shows that there is a sufficient quantity of this female hormone to effect men and suggested that men who drink large quantities of beer should consider limiting their consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test this theory 100 men were each given six pints of beer every hour for three hours. It was observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit to pee, couldn't perform sexually and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing was deemed necessary!

Pauline Skerman, Rosemount Gardens Reception and Function Centre.

A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary shag, some doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a tit wank. Is that OK?"

The lady says, "It sounds intriguing sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line. "

Joost Heymeijer

More humour. . .
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