.
. . more |
Note: The new stuff gets added to the bottom
I had occasion
to stay in a hotel in a regional city one night. I booked and paid in advance for a room
which turned out to be on the seventh floor. Naturally, as everybody does, I just stood
for a moment and admired the view — noted that it was a fair distance to the ground
below — and then familiarised myself with the room presentation.
All the basic necessities were in order. Then I opened the wardrobe door and there, on the floor, was the biggest pile of rope I'd ever seen. Above it was a sign: 'IMPORTANT. In case of fire tie one end of rope around self, tie the other end to the bed'.
Underneath, in what looked suspiciously like Aussie scrawl, someone had added: 'In the event of a helicopter rescue, untie the bed.'
Des Bennett
Fernhill Motor Inn
TRARALGON, VICTORIA
Old (approx. 1973) but true. This
happened in a pub in Liverpool.
Bar owner to new member of staff:
"Take £5 from the till and go and me £5 worth of 10p's (coins worth 10pence)".
After 30 minutes the owner was getting rather worried; there were at least
3 banks nearby, any of which could supply the required change.
After 1 hour the new member of staff returned and asked for an additional
pound to pay the taxi fare.
Owner:"Where the hell have you been and why did you need a taxi"?
New member of staff:
"It's quite a way from the nearest supermarket and I couldn't carry all of
those tinned peas by myself" (in 1973, £5 would buy several cases of tinned peas)
Kevin Fields
Lecturer: Tourism & Hospitality Management
Birmingham College of Food & Tourism
An interesting story circulating a major five star Sydney hotel was that of when a certain Persian prince who is part owner of the chain was staying in-house with his entourage. Room service was ordered to have 5 of every item on the room service menu in the prince's suite at 11 PM one evening for a group dinner.
So at 11 PM all the food was in chaffing dishes in the room, but by 2am the group had not arrived and the duty manager decided to checked the room . To her horror the manager found a room that resembled a sauna, with all the steam from the chaffing dishes condensing on the walls and windows.
Engineering was called to come and open the windows and turn up the air conditioning, and a gaggle of staff swarmed over the room to wipe away as much condensation as possible. One of the staff rearranged the pillows on the lounge, but felt something odd behind one of them. A handgun! Well the group finally arrived for their feast, and found a lovely buffet waiting for them in their room, and a gun still behind the pillow. The hotel staff breathed a sigh of relief as it was the princes last day! A true story.
Frank Salanitro
It was at one of the better New York City Hotels. I cannot tell you which. About 11 AM, Harry, a long time line cook in the kitchen said he needed to sit down a moment. He was not feeling well. He looked grey, sweaty, and worn out.
About 11:45, a quarter of an hour before lunch, in this busy hotel kitchen, he complained of a chest pain to one of the other cooks, and within a few minutes collapsed, and died, just before service. He was carried out from the kitchen, and the sous chef took his place on the line. Lunch was served with very little event, and after lunch, the cooks all assembled in the employees dining room.
"Poor Harry," one of them said. "He was such a good guy!" "Yes, he was," came from several others. One said, "You know he worked here for fifteen years." Another said, "And he would always lend you five if you were short." "Yes,"said the sous chef, "he was a great guy, and rarely late or absent, either. He was a terrific cook, but you know, the bastard left me a lousy mise-en-place for lunch!"
Steve Holzinger
When I worked at the Omni International Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia; we would have the Southern Baptist Convention every year. As you may or may not know, the Southern Baptist don't drink alcohol. I was the head bartender in the F&B Department at the time and had chosen to work the Lobby Bar as it was most visible to customer and had a lot of traffic.
We had a super piano player working with us who played beautiful music in our lounge area. The melodies she played would carry through out the entire lobby of the hotel. The F&B Director told us ahead of time that only "paying customers" were allowed to sit in our lounge area to listen to the piano player and that if they were not drinking that we were to ask them to please move to the lobby; that these seats were for our lounge patrons.
Well, my best waitress was working with me that night and she was not only good at her job but she was "sharp as a tack" in her wit! There was a kindly looking older gentleman seated listening to the music and the waitress asked him if care for any type of beverage. The old gentleman replied, "no, no thank you, I'm Southern Baptist and Jesus wouldn't like me if I drank." The waitress replied, "If you were Catholic, He wouldn't mind . . . I'm sorry but you'll have to move to the main lobby, these seats were for our lounge customers".
The old man got up and moved. Needless to say... our business was slow that week!
Timothy R. Dudley
International Hotel
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
There's this one guy who has got three balls. He went to a bar and got drunk and started bragging about his three balls to some other guys:
Guy with 3 balls: Hey! did you know that my balls plus your balls, equals five balls?
Other guy: You mean, you got three? (with a scared tone)
Guy with 3 balls: Right! (proud tone) Hey! Did you know that my balls plus your balls equals five balls?
Another guy: You mean you got three? (with a scared tone)
Guy with 3 balls: Right! (proud tone)
After which, he left the bar. On his way home, he saw a pauper lying on the pavement and he kicked him and said,
Guy with 3 balls: Hey you! Did you know that my balls plus your balls equals five balls!
Pauper: Ah, you mean you got One!
Ricardo B. Arao
Spain is known for it's bullfights, so one day a tourist
went to Spain to witness it. After watching the bullfight, he got so hungry that he went
to a nearby specialty restaurant. But, he noticed that all the items in the menu are
written in Spanish. So what he did is he asked the waiter on what the other table beside
him is having.
Tourist: Excuse me waiter, but I'm just wondering, what is the other table is having? I think it really looks good !
Waiter: Oh, sir, that's our specialty of the house, The Sizzling Yaro.
Tourist: Yaro?
Waiter: It's the balls of the bull which got killed during the bullfight.
Tourist: Can you give me one of those?
Waiter: Certainly sir!
And the tourist was very satisfied with the Sizzling yaro such that everytime he went back to the restaurant, he kept on ordering it. And on his last day to Spain, he went to restaurant to try it again for the last time.
But he got disappointed.
Tourist: Excuse me waiter, I've ordered the Sizzling Yaro but how come these balls are so small.
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, but you should know that not only bulls get killed during the bullfight!
Ricardo B. Arao
So, I hire an accomplished cook and bring him in for prep Monday (cafe is closed.) The following conversation ensues;
JF: So, do you know how to make a chicken stock?
Cook: Yeah, sure.
JF: OK. Make five gallons.
Cook: Refresh my memory 8 chickens, celery . . .
JF: Yes, onions, carrots, bouquet garni. Do you know what a bouquet garni is?
Cook: Yeah sure its parsley and bay leaf.
JF: Yes, and thyme, Do you know what thyme is?
Cook: Yeah boss its ah, 9:30.
JF: OK, Thanks you can go now.
True story. Names withheld to protect the innocent.
Jose Fernandez
Village Bake Shop & Cafe
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO
Some years back I was travelling North with my wife and four children. We stopped at a small country town for lunch. The cafe owner welcomed us and when we sat down and asked for the menu, his reply was: "I am the menu, the cook, the waiter, and the Host. You can have sausages and chips, or a mixed grill".
In another country town, when we stopped for breakfast, we asked one of the shopkeepers to tell us which cafe he recommended. His reply was: "This one here, belongs to my brother, the other one over there belongs to my friend."
What a diplomatic gesture this was to his friend and brother.
Michael Miltiades
Xenia Hospitality Consultancy
DAVIDSON, NEW SOUTH WALES
While I was serving afternoon tea on the Royal Viking in the middle of the Atlantic, a little old lady came in for her coffee and cake. On about the third day we got to talking and, with all seriousness she asked me: "Do the staff sleep on board?"
"No." I retorted gently, "When my shift is finished I jump overboard and swim until my next shift."
We both laughed.
Lorene Vivoli
Mirrors Restaurants
GOLD COAST, QUEENSLAND
A grasshopper walks into a cocktail bar and the barman says: "We've got a cocktail named after you."
"What?" The grasshopper says, surprised. "You called a cocktail Frank?"
Bruce Herbert
Conrad Jupiters
GOLD COAST, QUEENSLAND
I recently left a note in one of our motel rooms offering a regular guest an extra blanket as the weather had turned quite cold. His reply to my husband was, "No thanks, but I wouldn't mind a nice blond."
So I tucked my childhood doll with lovely long, blond hair into his bed!
Tracey Matthies
Southside Motel
MORWELL, VICTORIA
This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted. The guy says 'I'd like a quickie'. The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order.' The guys says, 'I'd really like a quickie'. The waitress angrily storms off after this.
Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche. . .'
A new Japanese-Jewish restaurant just opened up in town . . . it's called So-Sumi.
Q. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? A. Litre Vino.
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
A person checks into a hotel for the
first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and
says: "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a
second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a
'do not disturb' sign on it."
A traveller pulls into a hotel around
midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the
man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to
wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on
his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a
double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here
one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
"And will there be anything
else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No
thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the
fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel
he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in
my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this
hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the
night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're
welcome to stay here, too."
A waiter brings the customer the
steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
"Waiter, what is this
stuff?"
"That's bean salad sir."
"I know what it's been, but what is it now?'
A man walks into a bar and orders a
beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will
enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."
"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four
expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked,
"you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
A guy walks into a bar orders a beer and begins munching peanuts. "Hey, nice jacket," he hears a whisper.
"Nice tie," says another whisper. But nobody is around. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "I hear this whispering."
"Didn't you read the sign?" the bartender replies "The peanuts are complimentary."
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen. That's why after a couple of Pints you can't drive.
Fellow went into this bar to find only two men at opposite ends of the bar and the bartender. He orders his drink and listens in on the conversation: One fellow says: "Live here?" "Yeah, over on Miller St." "I live on Miller St!" "Is that right" replies the other, "I live over the book store and have a brown and white dog." The first responds: "I live over the book store and I have brown and white dog. I was born there on April 23, 1947." From the other end of the bar: "I was born on April 23, 1947. Jeez this a small world."
At this time, the telephone rings and it is the bartender's wife. When asked "What is going on?" The bartender replies: "The Johnson twins are drunk again!"
A tourist was being led through the
swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack
you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the
flashlight."
"Look, guide, here are some LION
tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
I WAS a waiter in a highway restaurant, and as usual at lunch time we were busy. Six people were waiting to be seated, and my table for six had not yet been cleared. The head waitress asked, "Would you like to wait on the customers or strip the table of its dirty dishes?" Before I could answer, she made the decision and in front of the customers said, "You wait and I'll strip."
MY DAUGHTER was working the car service window at a fast-food
restaurant. "May I take your order?" she said into the intercom. A voice
replied:
"Hamburger, cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, deluxe burger, small and large roast
beef, turkey club, chicken sandwich, regular fries, large fries, apple pie, chocolate
shake, vanilla shake, strawberry shake, Coke, diet Coke, 7UP and orange soda."
The workers made up the large order and filled several bags. When
the customer drove up to the window and was given her bill, she was stunned.
"But I haven't ordered yet," she said. "I was reading the menu to my little
girl."
A STRANGER was leaving a restaurant
when he was addressed by a small, shy man.
"Excuse me," he said, "are you Dr. John Smithers from Vancouver?"
"No," the puzzled stranger replied.
"Well, I am, and you're wearing his raincoat".
MY COLLEAGUES and I eagerly awaited the opening of a new East Indian restaurant close to our office, and on opening day we were first in line for the buffet lunch. As I helped myself to a generous portion of meat curry, I smiled at the owner, who was hovering close by to ensure that everything was satisfactory. "You are our very first customers," he said, to which I replied, "Ah, guinea pigs, eh?" "No, no," he replied quickly, "it's beef."
A customer walks into a restaurant and
notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his
order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes
storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You
got me that time mate, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've
been out of rye bread!"
IN A little restaurant an angry regular customer called the manager. "Look," he shouted. "The portions of your daily special are getting smaller and smaller."
"A simple optical illusion, sir," replied the manager. "We've enlarged the dining room."
I USED to work in an airport baggage claim area. One afternoon I unloaded some arriving luggage on the carrousel conveyor belt. A few seconds later the belt jammed when the first suitcase wedged itself at one of the turns. After I yanked the bag free, the conveyor started again, and the only way out was for me to ride the belt up to the carrousel. I sat with the suitcase on my lap to make sure it wouldn't cause any more problems. As I slid by on the carousel, a passerby yelled, "Next time, try going economy!"
MY HUSBAND and I had a stop-over in Toronto before continuing to our destination on a commuter flight. It was a rainy night and we were not looking forward to the bus ride and walk required to board the small de Havilland airplane. After a long wait the flight attendant finally announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are sorry for the delay. Air Canada Commuter Flight 1143 is now unloading and we are waiting for our passengers to be run over by the bus."
ON A flight from Montreal to Halifax,
a man I know was seated next to an elderly woman whose head was bowed and whose hands were
tightly clasped together. When the dinner menu was presented she said she would not have
anything to eat, but would prefer to sit quietly till they landed. She added that this was
her first flight and she was terrified.
My friend, a veteran air traveler, did his best to assure her of the safety of flying. The
flight was uneventful, but on touchdown the starboard wheels missed the runway, causing
the plane to veer off course and head straight for the control tower. With engines
roaring, the plane lifted off again, and by just a few meters missed the control tower,
whose occupants were clearly seen lying on the floor with hands over their heads. It was a
terrifying few moments, but the second approach and landing were faultless.
When the engines were shut down and the passengers started to deplane, the woman unclasped
her hands and smilingly looked up at my friend. "You were right," she said,
"there was absolutely nothing to worry about on this flight."
ON A cross-country flight I tried a technique a friend had recommended for controlling fear. I asked the flight attendant for a magazine, some paper and a pencil, and proceeded to copy the words on each page of the magazine. It was tedious, but effectively distracting. Several articles later, the attendant approached me. "I admire your thrift," she said. "But please, just keep the magazine -- compliments of the airline."
WHILE traveling in Turkey, I quickly
learned of the Turks' fondness for haggling. Often, I found, the money discussed was far
less important than the outcome of the transaction.
One day, at a village bus station, I was approached by representatives of two competing
companies.
When I asked one man the cost of a trip, he replied, "I take you on my bus for six
hundred lira."
Immediately, the second man stepped forward. "With me," he said, "you go
for five hundred lira." The contest was on! Back and forth they argued as I watched
in speechless delight.
"Four hundred."
"Three hundred."
"Two hundred."
"One hundred."
Finally, the first man thrust his hands upward, "Okay! Okay! For free! I take you for
free, my friend. NO money!" Flabbergasted, I watched him scrawl out a ticket.
"But why for free?" I asked. His face cracked into a wide grin.
"Because," he said, "I win!"
THE tourist returned to her hotel after sight-seeing.
"My memory's awful," she said to the clerk. "Could you tell me what room I'm in?"
"Certainly," was the reply. "You're in the lobby."
WE FOUND a charming
bed-and-break-fast place nestled in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.
Though enchanted, I nonetheless had some questions about the accommodations. "Does
the room have its own bath?" I asked. The proprietor's answer was terse and to the
point: "If no one else comes, it does."
Links to other free resources:
Hospitality software on the web
Hospitality
newsgroups and forums
Web links for
hospitality professionals
Hospitality management library