Bar Troubleshooting Chart

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.

SYMPTOM: FAULT: ACTION:		Room seems unusually dark. Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.